There Are Two Types Of People In This World…

Serving food to complete strangers isn’t exactly the easiest job in the world. If you haven’t noticed, food is kind of a big deal to literally everyone on the planet. It’s fucking food. We eat it to survive and it’s fricken delicious. It’s nerve-wracking, complicated, and to be honest, it can suck. I’ve worked in the food service industry for 15 years – half of my life, and I’ve pretty much experienced it all. All the way from degrading ass-grabs, to vicious words of cruelty due to circumstances beyond my control. If you want an amazing experience at the restaurant or diner of your choice, here’s a few tips on what not to do or say to the one who handles your food.

– Talk to us like a human being.
We’re people. We like to smile, and say hi, and have someone say something back that makes fricken sense. For example, if I say “Hi, how are we doing tonight?” and you say “Diet Pepsi, thanks.”, that’s like going on a date and while introducing each other, you immediately blurt out “future husband, baby daddy please.”
It’s just fucking weird, k? Not to mention rude. I’m not saying sit there and talk to me about your great aunt’s weird spreading rash, because oversharing is definitely a no-no as well. But if we make an effort to say hello, its only polite to say it back.


– Pick up after yourself, and your demon spawn.
Napkins full of ketchup behind the condiment caddy, mixed with empty creamers and bent straws. Chewed up only-God-knows-what stuck to the side of a cup thats filled with some sort of half food – half liquid concoction, which is also trickled over every square inch of the table. Gum stuck to the place mat. Broken crayons scattered all over the floor, with ripped up paper strewn around like confetti. Napkins scrunched up as far as the eye can see – which is like a super fun little game to us. Is it poo? Is it mucus? Maybe it’s food that you decided through half-swallow that it wasn’t yummy. Who knows. All we DO know is, is that if you leave your table like this, then we assume you are a complete slob everywhere else. The kind that leaves half-eaten burgers jammed in a cup, dishes undone with garbage piling up around you like a hoarder. Yes. That person.
I’m not saying wipe the table and make sure everything sparkles, but at least put your mound of napkins in a pile of sorts. You would think some of these things are common sense, but a lot of people don’t care. “It’s their job, let them deal with it.”
No, washing off your child’s spit and wiping up their spilled milkshake is NOT our job.. But if we want someone else to sit in our section, we do it, all the while cursing out your whole family’s bloodline.

– Wait to be seated, unless directed otherwise.
The other night while working, I came back to my station after making a salad for a customer and came upon 2 people sitting at a dirty table. They looked at me in disgust, pointing to their table that hadn’t been wiped up yet. “Um, it’s dirty. Do you mind?”
Do I mind? Mind what? Mind the fact that you weren’t seated by an employee, and that you’re somehow upset the table hasn’t been cleared while I’m in the back making a salad? Weird. Because in that case, yes I do mind. You, my dear, are not the only one in the restaurant. But coincidentally, I am the only one in my section. So, please be patient. It just makes things easier for all of us. Seriously, though…


– Don’t eat the whole thing, then say you want it taken back/a refund.
…… No, really, I swear people still do this. So, you eat more than half of it, or even 3/4s of it, and want a refund? It doesn’t work that way. It’s pretty shady, and not to mention, a waste of my time. Because usually when I don’t like something, I know that in about – oh, one to two bites. Tops.


– Not Tipping Whatsoever. Seriously? Are you new?
We make our living off of tips, because I don’t know about you but I can’t really support my children and myself on $150 paycheck every week. We don’t make minimum wage like the rest of the population – we make considerably less than most. Some nights are great, some nights suck. But running around constantly, smiling, getting them everything they want to just get it shoved in your ass at the end of the night really has an effect on people. Especially if we’re in the weeds, busier than all shit, and someone ups and leaves with a big middle finger in the air. It gets to me, definitely. What did I do wrong? It was the ranch, wasn’t it? FUCK.
A few little FML quips: A Server’s Edition.
When I’m carrying your extremely hot plates because I thought I could handle it, and you kinda just look at me and don’t move anything.


When I mess up and get distracted and forget all about your table so instead of looking like a douche, I pretend it was someone else fault and ask “Oh hey, no one has helped you yet? Let me.”


Anyways, like I said – its not hard to not suck. Just be good to your server, and act like a decent human being. That’s all.

End rant. I definitely needed to get that off my chest, people. Especially since I go in to work tonight for an 8 hour shift, all by myself…. Wish me luck, I’ll need it.