I often question my sanity. Occasionally, it replies.

Since I can remember, I’ve always had this fascination with things that scare people to the point of almost piddling their britches. Don’t ask me why, it’s just that I like ‘the unknown‘. Do I fear it? Fuck yes. I sometimes crave a ridiculous horror movie, then while watching said cinematic adventure, I curse myself out knowing I will need to watch something like Full House after – just to get my mind off of my impending death.

Almost 30, and I still have some pretty unreasonable fears.

#1. The Basement Steps. It doesn’t matter what house I’m in, if I need to go to the basement/dungeon and risk my life for something, I can’t help but get that creeping feeling of something sitting in the shadows watching me… So, while holding my laundry basket or whatever the HELL I was dumb enough to go down there for, I SPRINT up those “stairs o’ death” and burst through the door before slamming it – knowing I was just a few seconds faster than the hideous creature…. This time. I don’t know if you grew up in my day, but Goosebumps made it pretty damn clear that there’s horrible shit in basements. Not to mention, Home Alone where the furnace was about to devour Macaulay Culkin WHOLE… And for the love of Ted, don’t EVEN get my started with “Are you afraid of the dark?”…. Hmph, now that I look back, my generation had some kickass shows – unlike today’s craptastic boob-tube. Take that, iCarly.

#2. Dangly Foot Bait. Picture this – you’re laying on your bed, reading an amazing novel that you’ve read now for the 5th time – when panic strikes. What if.. What if the monster under your bed just didn’t like child flesh? And it’s waited until you were just this right age to drag you under the bed to Hell – waited just for the right moment when you were comfortable with letting your freshly pedicured toes dangle dangerously over the edge…. Honestly, ladies (and men?) we’ve spent way too much damn money to let our cute little toesies go to waste in some horrible smelling monster mouth. Fo’ reals. As for me, I’ll keep my feet and all appendages up on my Walmart sheets where they belong. Not today, demon spawn from Hades. Not today.

#3. Darkness a.k.a. WTF IS THAT?! I don’t care how old you are, if it’s dark, you’re wondering whats going on around you. Is that my cat Mr Meowz, or is that Ted Bundy back from the dead to chop me into pieces and then do weird and oh-so-wrong things to my corpse?! Ah. Yes. The irrational fear of the dark.. They say that nothing is there at night that isn’t there during the day. Which I find to be complete shite, since cockroaches don’t come out during the day time, now do they, Genius? No. No, they don’t. I’m not sure if it’s just my extreme paranoid and neurotic brain kicking into overdrive, or if there’s some truth to this feeling… I’m sure many of you have the same intuition as my crazy ass does – but when the lights go out, I try to fall asleep as quickly as possible so my ADHD mind doesn’t freak out and make a killer clown out of a pair of J. Hubbs boxers hanging on the computer chair.

Either way, childhood fears have a way of rearing their ugly head at you in the most inconvenient moments. Even without the dark, I sometimes get nervous about walking down a huge flight of stairs with no basement attached to the end of it. What if I accidentally step wrong, and down I go and end up looking like Meryl Streep in ‘Death Becomes Her‘?

PS. It could happen. Right?


“Adulting” vs “Actual Fun”.

I am, without a doubt, a huge kid at heart. To be brutally honest, I can still sit down and watch a Disney movie/show with my little man, and continue watching that channel after he loses interest… Shit. I may just delete that confession and completely revise this whole thing due to my possible death of embarrassment and/or scrutiny. Ahh, fuck it. Judge me all you like, I walk on the wild side.

Speaking of wild side, I wouldn’t back down from a good water gun fight (ballsy, I know.) and on a serious note, I’ve been looking up courses near me for Airsoft courses. How. Bad. Ass. Its basically military simulation – “milsim”. Its as close as you can get to getting on the actual battle field. Scary? Nah. Adrenaline pumping junkie status? Yesssssss. Sign me up. I’m a NYer, so there’s not many courses around me (FML) although there’s a few that I definitely plan on attending. I will definitely write about my experience, with many pictures of my bruised and bloodied little body. AND, as much of an asshole as I am, I know I will be focusing all my rage on J Hubbs, so I will also post his booboo’s as well. /maniacal laughter ensues

I’m also a huge fucking nerd when it comes to my video games – my “digital adventures”. I am always in search of games whos format is somewhat like Silent Hill’s… Who doesn’t love a good ol’ fashioned horror survival game with terror lurking its ugly head around every corner? Honestly, people. If you’re not a fan, we can’t be friends. It’s that simple.

100% serious.

I’ve recently played this game called Outlast, and damn near shit my knickers. This game. This. Fucking. Game. It’s somewhat like the Silent Hill franchise, yet instead of beating the bloody snot out of the monsters, you just run instead. Fucking RUN, and hide that news reporter ass of yours and pray nothing finds you.

First, I'd find this completely safe bed to hide under.

First, I’d find this completely safe bed to hide under.

Then, seconds later…

THIS asshole would be all up in my grill.

THIS asshole would be all up in my grill.

WHO would think of a game like that? Wait a second, I’ll address this issue quickly.

Creator of Outlast – are you Satan? No? You’re lying.

J Hubbs refuses to watch me play, let alone play himself. That should speak volumes all in itself. And no, he’s not a bleeding vagina, thank you. He’s manly and amazing, and can break crowbars with his teeth, and open beer bottles with his belly button. NOW, thats a man. Yes, ladies – that gem is all mine. Sheeeeit, hands off.

Now, when I say “Adulting”, I merely mean going to a job I despise, and being paid mediocre money to do so. Or, doing my own taxes. What the fuck is this sorcery? Riddle me that!

Yet, I have to admit, I do enjoy some adulting. I absolutely love to cook. Friggen love it. In fact, one day I hope to have my own catering company. Bad-ass tatted and pierced folk who know how to cook the best kind of comfort food around, and that ADORE doing so. Sinfully delicious combination if I do say so myself.

And I do.

My company will be NY based, hopefully starting in my town, then head up to the big city before going worldwide. Yes – I have quite the ambition, and I dream like a kid who just saw a pony for their first time.. But, I will achieve this. So, watch out for me.